D.C. Cab

I work at Better World Books.

They threw a bunch of old Library VHS tapes into the recycling dumpster, but we were all allowed to take anything we felt like saving. Most of it was utter garbage: instructional videos and lo-budget cultural documentaries. However, there were some feature flix in there.

My sister got the top find: An Incredibles DVD. Lucky hoe.

I got different kinds of goods. I grabbed "Robocop" on VHS simply because I've never seen it before. I took a VHS of "Armageddon" because it's my favorite movie to make fun of. I took "Titan A.E." because I remembered a lot of hype surrounding the movie's release (however, I discovered that it sucks). I also attempted to take "Chocolat," because I had never seen that one either, but some heavy-set middle-aged woman was like "Oh! CHOCOLAT! I LOVE CHOCOLAT!!! CAN I HAVE IT? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?????????" So I shrugged and handed it over. I felt sorry for the woman, loving a movie so much but never bothering to invest 5 bucks in a tape from Target.

The last movie I grabbed was "D.C. Cab," which was my one "wild card" pick of the day. Pay attention: this is a fucking bad movie. I grabbed it because it looked like one of those "Blaxploitation" movies from the 70s. In supporting roles, it stars Mr. T, Gary Busey, and the black dude that Aahnold drills a hole through in "Total Recall."

In the lead role, however, is Adam Baldwin. Yes, the same Adam Baldwin that played Jayne in "Firefly" and "Serenity." Yes, the same Adam Baldwin who has spent countless hours explaining that his last name is just an unfortunate coincidence. In this movie, he is fucking YOUNG.

The premise of "D.C. Cab" is just that: a cab company that operates in Washington D. C. The plot is barely coherent, so I'm not going to bother. Just know this:

• Despite being only a supporting character, Mr. T takes up 75% of the video case cover--a classic marketing faux pas.


• There is gratuitous nudity not 5 minutes after the title credits roll. 2 minutes later, we see literally about ten topless women in a span of 10 seconds. After this, a completely nude woman runs into the street.


• One character keeps a flamethrower at home. This doesn't become important later in the film.


• In one scene, for NO reason, Gary Busey says, "I don't work January the 8th, 'cause it's Elvis' birthday," and then does the absolute worst Elvis impersonation ever.


• "Why are women so uptight?! The've got half the money and all the pussy!"


• Mr. T's introduction scene has this dialogue exchange:
  
  Mr. T: "Why don't you get off the street and get a decent job?"
  Hooker In Mr. T's Cab: "Cause I need the bread!"
  Mr. T: "Then get a job at the bakery."


• There are other dialogue gems such as "You know what you're problem is, Bravo? You're so short, your brain is just too close to your asshole."


• At one point, a calm family is inside eating dinner in their farmhouse dining room. Mr. T and two other grown men break through three different windows and doors, in perfect tandem, all landing on different sides of the dining room table. The family just stops eating and stares at them. Mr. T says "sorry, wrong house," and they all leave. WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Everyone needs to watch this movie.

~Jake