Jacob: King of the Geeks

Shed a tear for my financial portfolio

2008-07-22T16:56:00.002-04:00

The $500 cable is BACK!!

2008-07-11T12:27:00.002-04:00

It's worth $10, but it costs $500. Amazon.com has finally brought back the listing with little fanfare and a big twist: The price has now been reduced to $428.68, and Amazon proudly states that this price is a 14% discount.

Thank God it's back, because I was getting review withdrawals. This commentary gem is my new favorite.

33 of 34 people found the following review helpful:

I don't remember this being in the product description, June 27, 2008

By Lee Bailiff "merc" (Fort Worth, TX USA) - See all my reviews

This cable does allow for incredible sound. However, I believe a possible side-effect from the use of this cable has not been noted by the manufacturers. Upon playing Prince's "Kiss" my speakers ... how should I put this? ... Well, I think they ... climaxed.

That's not the end of it. Oh, no. My stereo system is now sentient. And horny. Not one of my other appliances has warranty coverage for ... well ... the kind of 'damage' they are currently receiving.

I'd just unplug the darn thing, but it's developed an ability to arc pure energy when it feels threatened. It took two scorched electricians to figure that out. And, yes, I've already tried flipping the breaker switch. Doesn't work. The power won't go out. I don't understand how the hell it pulled that off.

Please, if anyone has any tips or advice, I'm getting desperate. My living room is some kind of sick, mechanical sex den and it's really freaking me out.

The New Windows

2008-07-02T22:45:00.002-04:00

Microsoft has already announced its new OS to succeed Vista in the next 12-24 months: Windows Vienna.

95 ran for 3 years
98 ran for 3 years
2000 / XP ran for 7 years
Me ran for 1 year, FAIL
Vista will run for 18 months? FAIL.

Ethics Textbook

2008-06-30T14:56:00.000-04:00

I wrote a few choice words about this failure.

2008-06-29T20:10:00.002-04:00

There's a fine line between a declaration of geekdom and self-deprecating humor. I am that line.

True compatability

2008-06-27T19:34:00.002-04:00

In the future, I'd like to see Windows programs running side by side Mac programs.

Apple's big switch to Intel chipsets was monumental. It suddenly became possible to run Windows and Mac OS simultaneously on the same Apple machine. However, something's missing: You still have to be in the Windows environment to use Windows programs.

I'd like to see icons for Windows apps on the Mac desktop, where you can just double click them, and they launch without the need to display a separate GUI, and still behave like Windows programs. I know it's possible; Apple already did this with "Classic," its solution for running earlier Mac programs in the OS X environment. It's got "X11" for running xfree86 / UNIX-based programs, and it's got "Rosetta" for running PPC applications on Intel machines. A Windows solution like this really shouldn't be a stretch.

It would be so groovy.

What happened on the day you were born?

2008-06-27T11:34:00.003-04:00

Find out! It's called "Kakorama," and it will tell you some fun crap. For instance, I share a birthday with Michael Faraday, the English scientist famous for the Faraday Cage, and also, a probable ancestor of one of my favorite characters on Lost. (Not to mention, Oceanic 815 crashed onto the Island on my birthday)

http://www.lostpedia.com/wiki/Daniel_Faraday

But I digress. Also noteworthy was that the UK's top song on my birthday was "I just called to say I love you," by Stevie Wonder. Fricking Huey Lewis was on the cover of Rolling Stone. A dozen eggs cost $1.01 (but I don't know if this website considered inflation).

You'll probably have some fun things about you on there too.

Salesmen

2008-06-25T16:44:00.006-04:00

Salesmen are not my favorite men--They try to sell me things. I'd purchased economy hosting to get rid of the ad bar on JacobKking.com, but it hadn't immediately disappeared from the site, so I call GoDaddy.com customer service.

AUTOMATED SYSTEM [AS] : Welcome to GoDaddy.com. Your call may be monitored for quality assurances. For web hosting support, press 1. For all other support, press 2. For sales, press 3. For--
ME: [1]
AS: For server support, press 1. For domain support, press 2. For scripting support, press 3. All other support, press 4.
ME: [*] (I wanted to go back to the main menu;"star" is supposed to be "cancel" on automated phone systems)
AS: For server support, press 1. For domain sup--
ME: [*]
AS: For server--
ME: [*]
AS: For--
ME: [* * *]
AS: Sorry, all service personnel are busy. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line--
ME: [hangup]

I try again.

AS: Welcome to GoDaddy.com. Your call may be monitored for quality assurances. For web hosting support, press 1. For all other support, press 2. For sales, press 3. For--
ME: [3]
AS: If you know your customer number, please enter it now, followed by pound.
ME: [I do that]
AS: Sorry, all service personnel are busy. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. If you would like to hold without music, press pound now.
ME: [how bad could it be?]
[terrible salsa music blares in my ear]
ME: [#]
AS: Your call is important to us. Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.
[salsa music continues]
ME: [# #]
AS: Your call is important to us. Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.
[salsa music continues]

ME: [I pull out the .45]
Sales Rep "Jeremy": Thank you for calling GoDaddy.com. This is Jeremy. How are you doing today?
ME: [I put the .45 away] ...I'm fine. How are you?
JEREMY: I'm great. I'm doing great. Can I have your customer number?
ME: [I say my number again]
JEREMY: And for verification, can I have the last four digits of your PIN?
ME: I have a PIN?
JEREMY: Or the last four digits of your credit card on file.
ME: (When did I put a credit card on file?) [I give the number]
JEREMY: Thank you. What can I do for you today?
ME: Yeah, I recently used my free economy hosting credit for my web site, and an ad bar showed up on my page.
JEREMY: Yeah, that's why it's free, lol.
ME: Yeah, I figured, (you ass). Anyway, I bought the economy hosting plan to get the ads off my site, and they haven't disappeared yet.
JEREMY: Okay, would you like to sign up for that now, or... oh, it looks like you already did.
ME: Right, (I just said that). Is there something else I have to do on the site to get the ads off, or...
JEREMY: Well, sometimes it just goes through processing, so it'll take 24 or 48 hours to go into effect, so you might still see the ads, but it's in the system.

At this point I reload my website for the hell of it. What do you know? The ads have disappeared just now. I was about to tell Jem that is services were no longer required, but he went into sales mode, and I went along with it like an idiot.

JEREMY: Now, I see that you're only signed up for a month. Do you want to extend that to a year? It'll save you five percent.
ME: Yeah, I do. That option wasn't on the website.
JEREMY: That's okay. We have the option here in the office.
ME: Okay. (Now you'll get a sales commission just because your company's web site sucks? I want your job.)

I truly did want to sign up for a whole year, so this wasn't a problem. But when you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want a glass of milk. (look it up)

JEREMY: Now, do you want to go for two years? You'd save ten percent off the price.
ME: No, just one year's fine.
JEREMY: How long have you had this domain name?
ME: Since last September.
JEREMY: So you'll probably have it for a while.
ME: Yeah, but I'm trying to see if I can land a better domain. Someone snagged JacobKing.com without the K in the middle, so I'm just going on a--... I just want one year.
JEREMY: Okay, sure, that's perfectly fine.

You're damn right it's perfectly fine.

JEREMY: Okay, I've put it in, and with your authorization, I will hit the 'submit' button.
ME: Yes.
JEREMY: Okay. Now is there anything else I can do for you today?
ME: No, I think that's it--
JEREMY: I'm just gonna check your account here and see if there's anything else I can help you with.

Wait, what?

JEREMY: Now, how do you keep track of traffic on your website?
ME: (I could say "Google webmaster tools," but I don't want to give him an opening to pitch the crappy site statistics package.) You know, I'm not really worried about that. I'm pretty busy right now, and I just want to have the site out there, and I'm not--... I don't need to track traffic.
JEREMY: Okay, that's fine. I can also get you our special search engine submission offer, where GoDaddy automatically registers your web site with 250 search engines, so you only have to put in your information once instead of 250 times.
ME: (I didn't even know 250 search engines existed. Everyone uses Google anyway.) No, that's okay. We've taken care of everything for today.

At this point, the call wraps up. In retrospect, I shouldn't have used him to sign up for a year of hosting, because it just gave him motivation to sell me a bunch of crap. If I'd been a pushover and allowed him to sell me stuff I don't need, the phone call would have continued.

JEREMY: Great. I'll just add those to your order. Now, would you like to upgrade your bandwidth? If your site starts getting lots of traffic, you don't want to get cut off for going over the limit.
ME: Well, it's just a digital portfolio, I don't really expect a lot of throughput... well, okay.
JEREMY: I can offer you 100 terabytes of throughput per month for $500
ME: That's a little steep, but, okay.
JEREMY: Okay. Now, are you interested in JacobKing.co.sg? Singapore's tech market is really starting to take off.
ME: I guess I wouldn't mind having a domain name in Singapore.
JEREMY: And how about all the other countries?
ME: I suppose.
JEREMY: Great. That'll just be $250 for all the other available country domain names. It was actually $350, but I marked it down for you.
ME: I appreciate it.
JEREMY: Do you need anyone to do your laundry?
ME: I do my own laundry...
JEREMY: It's only 99 cents per week.
ME: Oh, in that case, sure.
JEREMY: Great. Now, there is a one-time service charge of $500, so I'll just add that on. It will totally pay for itself, because we handle your bedsheets, comforters, and if you have any couch covers, we'll do those, too.
ME: Oh.
JEREMY: I can also get you season tickets to Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas.
ME: I live in Indianapolis.
JEREMY: Well, this covers every show on the strip, good for a whole year.
ME: I don't know...maybe?
JEREMY: Great. It's going to be $1500 for every three months. I'll just add that in for you.
ME: ...
JEREMY: How about a replica B-52 stealth bomber?
ME: A what?
JEREMY: It doesn't fly, but it's really a great conversation piece at dinner parties.
ME: I live in an apartment.
JEREMY: Well, this is a really great value, and I don't want to see you miss out.
ME: I don't really have any interest in the stealth bomber.
JEREMY: I understand, but you never know when a situation comes up, and then it's right there. It's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
ME: ...no-- I don't--....fine.
JEREMY: Fantastic. It's just $250,000. It would be more, but you're saving a lot of money by not having jet engines or electronics installed.
ME: I can't afford that. I'm still looking for a job.
JEREMY: Not a problem. I can run in an application and see what kind of a credit line we can get you.
ME: ...ok?
JEREMY: Here we go. You are approved for $500 a month, my man. Only a 5% interest rate, so you'll have that baby paid in no time.
ME: .........
JEREMY: Have you ever considered investing in the moon?
ME: .............
JEREMY: I know what you're thinking... not possible, right? With the power of capitalism, my friend, that white ball in the sky can be all yours.
ME: ...............
JEREMY: Sir? Are you still there?

At that point, I've dropped dead of a heart attack. Salesmen suck.

For the benefit of all Firefox users

2008-06-25T14:40:00.003-04:00

Have you ever typed in a web site address and screwed up the extension?

www.google.con
www.zophar.nft
www.wikipedia.prg

Why, yes, Jake, I have, and it's freaking irritating!

Problem solved! This brilliant little piece of code will detect an invalid domain suffix, and figure out what you really meant to type. Download this simple extension for your Firefox Browser.

URL Fixer
version at time of writing: 1.4.3

I have no idea why this isn't standard in all browsers. Happy surfing.

The $500 Cable [IS NO MORE]

2008-06-24T10:34:00.013-04:00

UPDATE: Amazon has removed the listing in a bout of shame and remorse. I'm dying for more detail, but the Internets have yet to report on the situation.

This whole affair is Internet gold. Denon, probably bought by Monster (notorious for price-gouging) is selling this "Dedicated Link Cable" on Amazon.com. I've highlighted the biggest selling points.

Product Description
Amazon.com Product Description
Get the purest digital audio you've ever experienced from multi-channel DVD and CD playback through your Denon home theater receiver with the AK-DL1 dedicated cable. Made of high-purity copper wire, it's designed to thoroughly eliminate adverse effects from vibration and helps stabilize the digital transmission from occurrences of jitter and ripple. A tin-bearing copper alloy is used for the cable's shield while the insulation is made of a fluoropolymer material with superior heat resistance, weather resistance, and anti-aging properties. The connector features a rounded plug lever to prevent bending or breaking and direction marks to indicate correct direction for connecting cable.

All of that sounds like serious business to me. Denon equipment is used in Ball State University's TCOM department--a college major program that doesn't screw around. So this must be for some professional studio setup, right? Let's take a closer look:

If that looks familiar to you, there's a good reason: it's the exact same size, shape, and internal wiring as an Ethernet cable. It is an Ethernet cable. This is the exact same thing you would use to plug your laptop or desktop computer into your local network or cable modem. And somehow, Denon thought they would slip under the radar and charge some rich sucker a 5000% markup.

As you can imagine, the Interbutt didn't sit quietly. ~~Take a look at the Amazon.com listing. Particularly interesting are the user comments and user tags.~~ REMOVED

My review is still up for now.

BUT WAIT!

Thanks to the magic of Google cache, the page is still in existence. Enjoy!

I kill you at Bookworm

2008-06-23T10:20:00.007-04:00

I don't think you're going to make it out of this contest alive... not while I have words like these:

Of course, you're welcome to try.

Bookworm Adventures

2008-06-23T07:27:00.002-04:00

Bookworm Adventures, by PopCap Games, is now officially the best game ever.

This is me searching for a job

2008-06-20T11:51:00.005-04:00

Flood Fun, Part Deux

2008-06-13T13:40:00.005-04:00

The second of three massive storm cells has just come through, depositing at least an inch of rain in Franklin, Indiana, which was devastated by flooding six days ago. We just got word that they've evacuated downtown again. The Johnson County Prosecutor's Office, the one that was condemned, has flooded again.

The second floor of the Franklin Museum of History used to be an auditorium, but now it just has paintings on the wall, a really big antique bicycle with a 3-foot-high front wheel, and a bunch of history-related antiques sitting on the stage. They were all moved up here from the water-damaged basement.

The Prosecutor's Office has set up shop here until they get a permanent new location. Two professional IT guys came in and threw together a computer and VoIP network. Pretty impressive for only two days' work. However, they cover IT for the whole county, so they couldn't stay.

My brother-in-law, Carlos, is a deputy prosecutor for this office. I came down with him to volunteer to make sure that the tech needs of the office were fulfilled.

Carlos just went with two of the office managers to the sheriff's office to retrieve some files.

So here I sit on my butt, waiting for his return so I can get the flock out of here. Carlos told me to dress nice so I could do a follow-up on a job application. Bad advice; now I have to worry about wading through an inch and a half of water in 80 dollar shoes.

I keep staring at that rudimentary bicycle with the giant wheel. I yearn to take that ancient device downstairs and ride it out of town. He'd keep my feet dry, and in return I'd give him a chance to ride again. I'll even spray him down with WD-40 so he won't squeak or rust. His handlebars stretch wide like open arms of a long-lost friend. His seat is shedding a tear of vulnerability, equated only by a middle school boy who stammers through a proposition for a date from his crush; Hopelessly waiting, seconds stretching into lifetimes, for her reply.

It was so quiet for so long, the museum employee in the doorway scares the crap out of me, and I jump from my chair. We talk for a minute. She soon leaves, but the damage is done. She has reminded the bicycle of the way things are--How he cannot leave his lifestyle of preservation. Even if he made it outside, he'd never hold up in today's fast-paced world. I watch the bike abandon his anthropomorphic soul, resigning itself to the fate of a model while dreaming to be a machine.

This is what it's like to be in a flood.

Indiana Flood Motivational Poster

2008-06-08T21:41:00.004-04:00

Original picture online, IndyStar.Com

Because Hell isn't Deep Enough

2008-06-08T21:19:00.003-04:00

You know that new swimming pool that most of south-central Indiana just installed? Well, it's pretty bad. Here's the county prosecutor's office in Franklin, where my Brother-In-Law works.

Of course, now we're using "worked," past tense, because the building is now scheduled to be condemned at 8:00 AM tomorrow. Shoddy craftsmanship, or insurance fraud? You decide!

Donate some green for the cause, you cheap bastard.

How to win

2008-06-02T21:49:00.007-04:00

Here is everything you need to succeed in life:

Desktop Wallpaper
ASVAP
John McCain's Face
Pillow Talk
Mugshots of fun teachers
Blue ribbon science
Indiana Jones 4 pre-production
LifeLock CEO getting PWNED
Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts
The sketches of Butt Johnson
Comparison of Jesus vs. JEEZUS
Penis theft

End

Footnotes

I got a note from my alternate personality. He was pissed off that a couple of these are NSFW, but not labeled as such. I don't believe saying "Not Safe For Work." If you aren't working, nothing is really safe.

You're browsing blogs at your work place; Sexual harassment policies aren't your biggest problem. Mr. Bureaucrat and Ms. Sheltered-Life have reported you to HR because they hate you)

When I think "not safe," I think poison and sharp edges and unprotected sex (but with any luck, not in that order)

Drafting

2008-05-16T14:01:00.020-04:00

Thanks, Brianne. Your sophisticated butt-lick of a note has gotten my full attention.

Here's the problem with being in love with the person whom you are engaged to marry: you tend to save the best of yourself for her:

Opinionated guys: your best conversations.
Businessmen: Your very best "I won't be home for dinner" phone calls.
Politicians: Epic infidelity (...ha ha ha, go away)
An artsy, Apple computer-loving, moderately left-wing, not shit, loquacious, comedy-loving guy (like me), the kind of guy who will spend five fricking minutes losing his mind trying to think of words for an arbitrary self-description before copping out in disgust: your best discourse, jokes, ideas, music, hopes, dreams, ambitions, etc.

Point taken, I hope. Put it on the back burner.

Molly is my soul mate. I don't mention her much online because I am a believer of personal privacy, especially in the unaccountable world of the Internet. But it's true, Molly is going to marry me, and she's awesome. You know how awesome she is? She got me to eat broccoli on a regular basis, something I haven't willingly done since the age of 3. She somehow got me to care about things that successful people take for granted, like first impressions and personal appearance.

I'd go so far as to say as she carried my ass through college. When I lost sight of my goals, she reminded me. When I lost momentum, she pushed me, and when I wouldn't budge, she kicked me in the privates, really hard. Without her, I'd probably have flunked out, moved back to South Bend to get some degree at IUSB, and live out my life in a bubble of video games, Internet crap, and aimless tom-foolery. I've become vital to her life, and she's returned the favor.

In high school and pre-Molly-era college, I always blogged and wrote web pages and made music and drawings for publication on the Internet. I felt like I was displaying these works for a specific audience, but I couldn't figure out who my intended audience was, almost like an imaginary friend.

Then Molly came into my life. Before we became serious, she read my entire old blog on Teen Open Diary (now defunct), all 200+ entries, in one sitting. She told me she really liked it. She also really liked the music I played and wrote, the videos I shot, and pretty much everything creative I did. I realized she was my audience that I needed all this time.

Recall what I said about saving the best of yourself. Now that I have my dream audience in real life, it's tough to remember to duplicate my best stuff for an interbutt blog. I save my best stuff for her.

Having said that, I'm still blogging. I've got a nice stash of drafts that I haven't finished.

Oh, wait, I'm getting a vision...

I'll tell you why, Brianne: they're not for you. They're not for my blog. They're for Molly. I will finish them when I feel like making something new to show to Molly. End of story, ginger kid.

~Jake

More drafts I thought of while writing this one:

(future post: people share too much info on the interbutt)
(future post: fast food wrecked my palette)
(future post: I do really dumb things)
(future post: Obscure Cristian organization offended by sketch containing partially obscured mammaries in revived Starbucks logo, considers boycott, coins "Slutbucks." / "Nude bathing" is next in the protest queue.)

Vista List

2008-05-12T16:53:00.006-04:00

My favorite things about Windows Vista:

The long-awaited graphical update to Hearts

Strangely addictive website

2008-05-05T20:09:00.002-04:00

See my page at the Age Project

The virtual stock market has crashed

2008-05-02T12:21:00.005-04:00

UpDown.com is now going on three hours into the day on Wall Street, and it still hasn't processed my trades that I scheduled for first thing this morning. I'm going to lose millions of e-dollars.

See those nice green "day change" percentages? Each of those would have gotten me about $2000. See that nice red percentage by "DAI?" That would have made me money too, and I was really excited about it, because I'd just learned last night what "short selling" means: It's how to make money on a stock that you think is going to go down instead of up.

Imagine pressing rewind and watching a documentary on Hitler so at the end of the movie he's large and in charge. Short selling is kind of like that, except you end up with retroactive profit instead of a dead führer.

Now, of course, it's a moot point. UpDown.com is paralyzed, and I'm stuck with a thousand shares of AT&T stock and a broken dream.

I spoke too soon

2008-04-16T16:58:00.003-04:00

Today I got everything back that I lost yesterday, plus more. I guess I just needed a day to get the hang of things.

Why they won't let me into the NYSE

2008-04-15T17:12:00.003-04:00

My portfolio on UpDown.com, a stock trading site with play-money:

Virgin Mary

2008-04-12T11:27:00.003-04:00

I'm going to hell for this, but I swear to God, I thought this was a statue of a giant condom or something.

Aciphex

2008-04-03T21:41:00.004-04:00

I just saw a commercial for a new drug called "AcipHex," but, I swear to God, what I heard was "Ass Effects."

Tired of web site ads?

2007-10-10T21:04:00.001-04:00

Try this.
http://everythingisnt.com/hosts.html

Guest Blog

2007-08-12T20:42:00.001-04:00

Here's my recent guest blog entry.

Hey wow, blogger's new

2007-06-20T11:07:00.001-04:00

Yes, I've been blogging, just not on here. Facebook kind of stealthed me and stole my bloggertunities away. I'll copy and paste them in here for posterior.

Nothing is funny tonight.

2006-11-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

For real, absolutely nothing is funny. I watched a very non-funny episode of Family Guy (Fast Times...), followed by the premire of probably the WORST South Park episode I've ever seen in my life--Stan coaching the peewee hockey team? I did not laugh a single time. In fact, I found many parts of it outright disturbing, tasteless, and not funny all at the same time. It's a damn shame, because this episode's premise wanted to mirror The Mighty Ducks, and it had the potential for greatness. Eff Minus.

In the middle of the show was the Amp'd mobile commercial where the father tries to make his son go off a bike ramp and the kid falls flat on his face, and it looks realistic. ("Oh! I get it now! It's a ramp! LAWL!!!") Also not funny.

And then there was the Drawn Together commercial. The show is stupid. The commercial was even worse. A bunch of tards running around putting fleshlights up each others' pee holes... might as well have been.

The only hope for tonight is in five minutes: The Daily Show followed by The Colbert Report. If these two fail, I'll chalk it up as divine intervention; no way that all of these can fail on the same night by coincidence. The odds of that happening are

...let me think...

....low, I think.

~Jake

Holy Shit, World of Warcraft Trading Card Game

2006-10-25T14:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, probably just a rip-off of Magic, but look at this document

WoW TCG Instruction Manual

And look at the bottom of the introduction page. They show three sample cards.

The card on the right...

Okay, hold up. You're too lazy for all of that. Just look.

WTF...LOL.

My life is over...

2006-10-25T13:29:00.000-04:00

...I quit at life. Look.

Phun at the Library

2006-07-22T11:58:00.000-04:00

Hola, bipeds. (Thanks, Nathan)

I am currently sitting at an iMac at the Saint Joseph County Public Library on Main Street in South Bend. My sister is sitting at the iMac next to me. We are here for only one reason: our Internet is completely down. The friendly man on the phone at Comcast customer service says that he can get a repair dude out to us sometime next week. Not bad for $59.95 per month.

So here we are, checking our email and conducting our business. I've had a lot more to do than I anticipated. I had to:

-Renew my butt2face.com domain subscription
-Get the address for the dude who bought a video game on ebay about 3 weeks ago and wonders why I'm not responding to his emails
-Figure out if my social gathering in Ft. Wayne was today or a week from today. It's a week from today.
-Write to you fine people.

So if you want to contact me, don't use the Internet. Call my sister's cell phone and make her give you the number to the house phone, and my mom will take a message and I'll call you back.

~Jakery

I WANT it.

2006-06-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I want a water cooler in my home.

D.C. Cab

2006-05-22T19:05:00.000-04:00

I work at Better World Books.

They threw a bunch of old Library VHS tapes into the recycling dumpster, but we were all allowed to take anything we felt like saving. Most of it was utter garbage: instructional videos and lo-budget cultural documentaries. However, there were some feature flix in there.

My sister got the top find: An Incredibles DVD. Lucky hoe.

I got different kinds of goods. I grabbed "Robocop" on VHS simply because I've never seen it before. I took a VHS of "Armageddon" because it's my favorite movie to make fun of. I took "Titan A.E." because I remembered a lot of hype surrounding the movie's release (however, I discovered that it sucks). I also attempted to take "Chocolat," because I had never seen that one either, but some heavy-set middle-aged woman was like "Oh! CHOCOLAT! I LOVE CHOCOLAT!!! CAN I HAVE IT? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?????????" So I shrugged and handed it over. I felt sorry for the woman, loving a movie so much but never bothering to invest 5 bucks in a tape from Target.

The last movie I grabbed was "D.C. Cab," which was my one "wild card" pick of the day. Pay attention: this is a fucking bad movie. I grabbed it because it looked like one of those "Blaxploitation" movies from the 70s. In supporting roles, it stars Mr. T, Gary Busey, and the black dude that Aahnold drills a hole through in "Total Recall."

In the lead role, however, is Adam Baldwin. Yes, the same Adam Baldwin that played Jayne in "Firefly" and "Serenity." Yes, the same Adam Baldwin who has spent countless hours explaining that his last name is just an unfortunate coincidence. In this movie, he is fucking YOUNG.

The premise of "D.C. Cab" is just that: a cab company that operates in Washington D. C. The plot is barely coherent, so I'm not going to bother. Just know this:

Despite being only a supporting character, Mr. T takes up 75% of the video case cover--a classic marketing faux pas.

There is gratuitous nudity not 5 minutes after the title credits roll. 2 minutes later, we see literally about ten topless women in a span of 10 seconds. After this, a completely nude woman runs into the street.

One character keeps a flamethrower at home. This doesn't become important later in the film.

In one scene, for NO reason, Gary Busey says, "I don't work January the 8th, 'cause it's Elvis' birthday," and then does the absolute worst Elvis impersonation ever.

"Why are women so uptight?! The've got half the money and all the pussy!"

Mr. T's introduction scene has this dialogue exchange:

Mr. T: "Why don't you get off the street and get a decent job?"
Hooker In Mr. T's Cab: "Cause I need the bread!"
Mr. T: "Then get a job at the bakery."

There are other dialogue gems such as "You know what you're problem is, Bravo? You're so short, your brain is just too close to your asshole."

At one point, a calm family is inside eating dinner in their farmhouse dining room. Mr. T and two other grown men break through three different windows and doors, in perfect tandem, all landing on different sides of the dining room table. The family just stops eating and stares at them. Mr. T says "sorry, wrong house," and they all leave. WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Everyone needs to watch this movie.

~Jake

Ball State and Fascism

2006-05-21T16:57:00.000-04:00

"When it smells like it, feels like it, and looks like it, call it what it is Fascism!"

www.butt2face.com was censored by Ball State University, negating the first amendment, so we moved it off BSU webspace. I'm just itching to put a label on their administrative process.

~Jake

Suggestion Box

2006-04-20T11:40:00.000-04:00

Our RA, Jamie Nicole, probably the best RA on campus (best I've ever had, at least), sent out a floor-wide email.

On 2/27/06 4:32 PM, "jn******@bsu.edu" <**********> wrote:

> 7th Floor Residents,
>
> At this time I would like to ask for some feedback from you. I would like to
> know anything that you have to say about the floor, whether it's is positive
> or negative, and if negative, how it can be improved. If you have any
> suggestions for some activities that you would like us to do, or anything that
> you think I could improve upon as your RA, please don't hesitate to let me
> know. I am here for you guys, and I want to do my best to make this floor a
> comfortable place for you to live in. I will not hold anything that you say to
> me against you. Everything you say will be confedential unless it threatens
> someone's safety or I discuss it with you first. If you have something that
> you would rather address to me in person, that would be greatly appreciated.
>
> This is in response to some vandalism and other issues that have affected our
> community.
>
> Thanks guys! I hope that you take this seriously! :)
> you rock!
> [jn]
>
> Housing and Residence Life
> Ball State University
> Muncie, IN 47306
> (765) 285-8000 (local)
> (800) 382-8540 (toll free)
> (765) 285-3743 (fax)
> Email: housing@bsu.edu
> Web Site: www.bsu.edu/housing

I was hoping she would send an email like this, because I was having lots of problems with my dorm life.

Jamie

I am a very important person and I have some important things to say about the floor.

-I have tried several times to take the screen out of the window so I can get more air, but it will not budge. Maintenance has ignored my repeated requests for assistance.

-Never once have I been able to see the other room of my dorm. Myself and Joey had agreed to have one room each with the bathroom in the middle, but we cannot get into the other room through the bathroom. The door says "unlocked," but will not budge. There is no keyhole, so I don't see how we have no access to this room.

-I am aware of the midnight weed smoking sessions in the 4th floor lounge, and I am upset that nobody on the floor has ever invited me to participate. It's not that I would like to go -- I simply would like to have options.

-The French shower is a nice addition to the bathroom, but every time I try to use it, the water always swirls downward, never shooting up like it's supposed to. Again, Maintenance ignores me.

-Sometimes there is too much noise coming from the room above me. I always go up to the 8th floor and knock on the RA's door, but the girl in there keeps insisting she's not the RA and always refers me back to you. This girl doesn't deserve to be employed by the University.

-I sometimes try to place local calls, but every time I try to call off campus, I have to wait for the call to go through. While I wait, I have to listen to some annoying, bizarre minimalist techno song. It only has two notes, a diminished fifth in interval, repeating over and over. If I have to wait for calls to go off campus, I would appreciate a more diverse soundtrack.

-It takes FOREVER for the elevator to get to my floor. Why does Shively not have a staircase?

-I've searched repeatedly for my mailbox, but I cannot even locate a hall desk on our ground floor. Again, this lack of service makes me question Ball State's reputation.

~Jake

I republish this letter here because Jamie has yet to reply. (She's still the best RA ever)

~Jake

Space

2006-04-14T22:29:00.000-04:00

I just got a MySpace account for the sole purpose of saying how much I don't want a MySpace account.
http://www.myspace.com/jacobking111

~Jake

My Molly

2006-04-02T15:38:00.000-04:00

About a year and a month and a half ago, I stopped writing in my journal so often. This coincides with my meeting Molly. The funny thing is that after I met her, the things that I used to write about in here I would end up simply telling to her instead. This is not exactly a problem, seeing as how she is the most important person in my life, but I do feel like I need to keep my journal fresh. This is not only for my friends, but for myself. I like having a record of all of my shit.

So I'm going to try to write down stuff I tell to Molly so I can remember to write about it in here as well.

Also, Guild Wars has taken up a lot of my time. That game is crack.

~Jake

Sponge Sucks

2006-04-02T15:30:00.000-04:00

I never thought the day would come, but I actually wrote an article about Sponge for Butt-to-Face.

Rather than talk to me like an adult, so that I could at least have a clue that he was mad at me, he pulled me in his room and screamed at me like an infant. The sad irony of the whole thing is that I was the one who always stood up for him in the past.

The Sponge Article
Butt 2 Face Website

Good riddence. Comments always welcome.

2006-02-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

This was a personalized reply I received from Guild Wars' Customer Service center.

Thank you for contacting Guild Wars Support. Please understand that combining the name of an intestinal disorder which results in bloody stool with a woman who was in a persistent vegetative state and whose life was the center of a national controversy is not considered an appropriate name.

The user name in question was "Dysenterri Schaivo."

Calling all Literate Friends

2006-02-13T11:30:00.000-05:00

Are you looking for something extra to put on your resume? I fucking hope not. I was writing the "about" page for Butt2Face when I realized that there were only two contributors to write about, and I was one of them. That's bullshit. I know my friends can write good shit, so I'm wondering if you guys can write for me.

The only crateria is to write about something that you find stupid, or something that pisses you off, or something that the general public would be confused/disgusted by.

Don't worry about your writing not having the "tone" desired... that's the last thing on my mind.

~Jake

2006-02-06T00:11:00.001-05:00

Freedom of Speech....

2006-01-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

Some tard keeps anonymously commenting on my blog, leaving the most simple-minded cheap shots possible. Maybe if they were clever at all I wouldn't be so annoyed. Maybe if the author of said comments had balls enough to sign his work, I wouldn't be so annoyed. I'm all for freedom of speech, but not anonymous free speech. When you say things that make you sound like an idiot, you're supposed to have to answer for what you said.

Therefore, I'm turning off "anonymous" posting in my blog. If my coward of a mystery poster reveals himself, I will be shocked.

In other news, I bought a Nerf gun, and it kicks fucking ass.

~Jake

It finally happened

2006-01-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

My sister, who had just started eating a pop tart, was doubled over in laughter. She was desperately holding onto the pop tart with her mouth, laughing too hard to eat, but too hungry to let it go. The result of this compromise was the muffled sound of Kellogg's-flavored laughter. Finally, after finally managing to chew a corner of the succulent pastry, she summed it up in three words: "Those... gay... fucks!" I, however, was just in standard disbelief.

It's after midnight, and my sister and I are watching Chapelle Show on Comedy Central. On a commercial break, something new happened. I was busy playing on my computer, and wouldn't have even noticed, except that my sister said, "oh my god!" I looked up. On the TV were three well-dressed, athletic, happy young men with no concept of personal space. "Chat! Meet! Interact! You can find men in your local area who are looking for friendship," the voiceover man said enthusiastically. Late night cable channels are saturated with phone dating services. This, however, was something different... an all male service. It was called "Interactive Male," and they even have a local South Bend number.

We turned off the TV, concluding that no Chapelle skit could top this. Comedy Central, indeed.

~Jake

My "before the year is over" list

2006-01-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

Fuck weight loss--it only lasts for two weeks with most of the fuckers who jump on that particular bandwagon. Come to think of it, I don't really like the idea of New Year's Resolutions in general. Just because the Earth happens to be positioned at a certain point to the sun, and our BASE-10 numerical system changes its year digit on a man-made calendar system, everyone decided that they needed to align their major life changes to this change of a single number.

I have one word for this: GAY.

This morning, I decided that I wanted to make a list of things that I wanted to do soon. I then realized that today is New Year's Day, so this could be construed as a new year's resolution. Well, fuck that.

Things I want to do soon:

~~Learn to solve the Rubik's cube~~
Go on a road trip to the west coast
See "Cake" in concert
Go to Japan
Make a decent Macromedia Flash animation
Sell everything in my room that I no longer use
Figure out once and for all why my left foot is misaligned. (WTF)
Get my own digital camera to make films

It's a reasonable list. After all, I learned to solve the Rubik's cube in less than a week. On that note, I'm going to get started on going to Japan.

~Steaming Poo

2005-12-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

2005-12-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

"Hey... I'm shaking my butt, and you're shaking your butt, so it's like I have an extended butt."
~Molly Moyer

Thriller

2005-12-03T13:47:00.000-05:00

It's such a shame that Michael Jackson became a pederast. Thriller is such a good song. In other news, I've been swamped with classes and stupidity, but the semester is mercifully coming to an end. Meanwhile, if you're wondering what happened to my blog, you probably haven't seen Butt To Face yet. All of my creative energy is going toward the creation of articles for that site. I have three of my own articles pending, and three more from Joey that I have to format to HTML. Perhaps this blog will actually become about my life instead of stupid shit. (The stupid shit is going on B2F.)

~Jake

Where the hell have I been?

2005-11-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

I've been in the desert... making THIS!

Enjoy.

~Poo

Nether Regions

2005-10-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

Right now, I'm stopping to think about the word "ass." As I do so, I picture a perfectly round ass just floating in front of a blank backdrop. And then I say the word inside my head...

Ass.

But I don't just say the word. I think about precisely what it means, and then I say it again, slowly.

Ass.

At this point, I'm trying my best not to laugh, and I fail.

I got injured in my walking class today. I'd finish this story, but there's no way that I can dignify any supplemental remarks. Not a chance.

My roommate, Joey, found a picture of the man who ran a mile in four minutes, thus breaking the speed barrier. Joey found a picture of a penis, and superimposed it onto the man's pelvic region in Microsoft Paint. He then took a picture of a butt and used it to cover the face of a man in the crowd. The best part is that the picture isn't even finished yet.

Some pervert stole the seat off my bike. The worst part is that I can't even find a replacement seat. The worst part is that I'm tempted to steal the seat off another bike on campus, thus perpetuating this chain letter of petty theft and homo-erotica. After all, the bike seat is one of the most phalic objects known to men.

I'm sure there's more, but you haven't earned it. I recommend that you send me money. Fuck the Katrina victims--they have Kanye West.

~Buck Jaked

Master Chief is a Dyke

2005-10-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

I do not like Halo. I have never been able to discover where the mass appeal is.
I'm not suggesting that it is a bad game. I've played it and found it mildly interesting, but it's just another clone of Doom. The only reason why it's so poppular is because it's still the only console shooter that allows up to 16 players. Other than that, it has nothing special at all. Worst of all, Bungie didn't even try to create a memorable hero.

Master Chief is the WORST idea for a video game character. He has zero, and I mean zero depth. It's a guy in a space suit with no back story. He just isn't a likeable character.

Try to find a Halo fan fiction on the Internet sometime. You won't find anything.

People who play Halo all the time are retarded, and I hate them. You think it's a good game, but it really isn't. It's dumb.

~Jake

Blackjack

2005-09-21T09:15:00.000-05:00

Our little Jake is all growns up. Tomorrow is the day. Come midnight tonight, I will be 21, the age when I can legally fuck up my own life.

So let's recap:

Age zero: I cry because there's a bunch of strangers in masks, and they're not telling me WTF they're doing.

Age 2: I say "Radio On," my first two-word combo attack.

Age 6: I fail to learn how to tie my shoe, but I say to myself "fuck it."

Age 8: I buy my first Nintendo. I still couldn't fully read the instructions, so I hooked it up to the tv by looking at the diagrams. My parents came home from church and are impressed. The Nintendo stays in the living room for 5 years.

Age 9: I learn swear words from the black kids in my neighborhood and never look back. I also develop a crush on a grade school classmate and keep it to myself. (Happily, she has grown up to be butt-ugly.)

Age 12: My crotch falls asleep while I am playing Nintendo. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Also, my Dad buys our first household computer: the Power Macintosh 5400, 120MhZ. We still have it.

Age 13: I surpass my father in computer knowledge. I start learning more shit and end up surpassing most other people I know, except...

Age 14: I hang around Sasha Balashov, a crazy Russian kid who is obsessed with Linux. I slowly come to realize that computers aren't my main passion.

Age 16: Happily, I drop from Trinity High School due to stress-induced illness. I enroll in Hamilton Adult Secondary Credit. Also, I get a job at Meijer, and learn what I don't want to do for the rest of my life.

Age 18: I start school at Ball State University. My first roommate is a complete tool, and fugly to boot.

Age 19 and 20: I lose myself in college life, neglecting classes, only to develop a work ethic at the last second. Also, I meet Molly.

Age 21: I accidentally have intimate relations with a goat and am forced to flee the country.

It's going to be an interesting year.

~Jake

New Film?!

2005-09-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

My cohorts and I are currently in the planning phase for a new Village Idiot movie. Details are still absent, but we all know that it will be utterly stupid and awesome.

Unfortunately, because I no longer live in Clevenger, this film cannot be considered a part of the Trilogy. I don't really care for creating a "Shively Series," because "Shively" sounds like a nickname for some 50-year-old Irish male-prostitute.

The confirmed actors for this project will be myself and Joey, whose bit part in "Defecit" drew a positive reaction from audiences.

Likely Village Idiot veterans to appear in this project include:

Rob Butler (The Hack, Stalemate, Defecit)
Ryne Dye (The Hack, Stalemate, Defecit)
Aaron King (Stalemate)
Nathan Baker (The Hack, Stalemate, Defecit)
Michael Hallenbeck (the "Mario" project, now defunct.)
Molly Moyer (Defecit)

There has been a notable lack of female lead roles in past movies. This may or may not be changed. It doesn't really matter.

Byee.

~Jake

Word Verification

2005-08-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

I just turned on Word Verification, which means something important that I don't remember. Basically, it stops the stupid bastards from randomly advertising their blogs in my comments page. I'm never going to read your blog, guy. Leave me alone.

Aladdin

2005-08-29T06:54:00.000-05:00

Back when my family got Aladdin on home video in 1993, my older brother insisted on rewinding that part over and over again. He was convinced that Aladdin was saying "Goooood teenagers.... take-off-their-clothes!" My conservative mom just told him to stoppit because he was being a bad influence on us. I eventually realized that he was right.

The thing is, this was way back in 1993, five years before we had Internet access in our house. Since my brother formed this opinion on his own, and I realized he was right, I am convinced that it's true.

Disney has a bad reputation of putting "inadvertent" subliminal sexual messages in their movies: The penis-shaped castle tower, on the cover of "The Little Mermaid," the 'take off your clothes' line in "Aladdin," and the dust cloud in "The Lion King" that spelled 'SEX' (Was supposedly 'SFX, as in Special Effects.'). I doubt that there is a conspiracy, but I do think that Disney animators are preoccupied with sex, whether they know it or not.

AWESOME.
~Jake

Leaving things to fate

2005-08-24T12:30:00.000-05:00

Would you pay $400 for a textbook, knowing that you can't sell it back?
Would you spend 10-15 hours per week on homework for one class?
Would you attend a class that met twice a week for three hours?
Would you be willing to play catch-up, knowing that you're missing a prerequisite?

If so, TCOM333 is right up your ass. I signed up for "Intermediate Audio Production," thinking that it would be a breeze. On the first day of class, I was in for a rude surprise (refer back to the four questions at the top). I was weighing pros and cons in my mind. Finally, I asked Ryne for a quarter.

Heads, I drop. Tails, I stay.

It came up heads, so I suppose I'm making the right choice.
Then again, I would have dropped even if it came up tails, but it's nice to know that fate is on my side.

~Jake

Comic Test

2005-08-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

This test rocks my ass. You need to take it immediately.
The 3 Variable Funny Test

These were my results

Think of it this way.

2005-08-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

I was jusst thinking... If the Virgin Mary (somewhere between age 12 and 17 at time of conception) had been in modern day America, God would be guilty of statutory rape.

Lesbian Cheddar

2005-08-06T01:39:00.000-05:00

My head went to the beach without me, and it's swimming in the waters of the Michigan Ocean and playing Marco Polo with the Jellyfish. I don't know why he didn't invite me. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have his teeth brushed, his face shaved, or his ears waxed. I never abused him. I didn't force his mouth to touch any unpleasant deli meats. Why is he doing this to me? I even feed him cheesecake. What a fucker.

Think about this for a minute. I have a pounding headache, and my quack seems to think that it's recurring mono symptoms. I have a fever too. Would you like to talk about good ways to start off the school year? Neither would I. I don't even have cable in my room because my dad didn't pay for the good kind of coaxial cable, so I have to watch Street Smarts on the crappy network antenna. Furthermore, I'm trying to sell my shit on ebay, but I can't even find the bay. Fuck. Ten pills every goddamn morning, and I'm probably losing my mind. Shit fuck ass cock shit fuck cock ass shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit shit shit fuck ass shut shit.

Wow.

Let's hear it for Jake's pounding headache free thought. This school year will be a mountain of uncertainty and cake. You too, Steiner. What time is it? Good night. Not a moment too soon. I love you.

~Jake

Benchmark Bertha

2005-07-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday night. I'm home, as usual. Tonight, however, I have a legitimate reason for staying in: money. A local company is putting out a promotional video for a piece of software, but they don't want to have to pay for copyrighted music, and this is where I come in. They've hired me to write a similarly-themed song over the weekend for the video. It's going pretty slow, but my guess is that the process is like a logarithmic curve:

Anyway, it's a pretty good song, even if it's a rip-off. I'll put it on my web page when it's all said and done. And also something else. What? Bye.

~Jake

Predictions For The Year 2015.

2005-07-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

Where will we be in ten years? Right about here:

Spanish will become an official language of the United States; taught alongside English in grade schools.
China will no longer be a Communist country (and it will also become an economic superpower).
Google, Inc. or another search engine will be accused of having an "Intellectual Monopoly" on what is considered to be the most relevant information on the Internet.
Compact Discs will no longer be produced for music or data, in favor of a more compact, higher-capacity media device.
The major television networks will still be major, but will have nothing to do with television.
Worldwide economic and political changes prompt world leaders to expel the USA from the United Nations.
We still won't have those flying cars from Back to the Future, but engineers will have developed a prototype for a vehicle that can drive on roads and lift off the ground like a Harrier jet, and nobody will be able to afford it.
Some communities will be using video games with historically accurate plots as History class supplements.
marijuana will be a legalized substance, available in all convenience stores, regulated by the government.
Interracial relationships will increase twofold, becoming the first step toward a non-white majority.
The number of states in the USA will no longer be 50. (My money's on Puerto Rico becoming numero-51, and/or the New England states to merge into one big state.)
All public school students will have laptops.
Microsoft will no longer be the dominant force in the computer industry.
Our current telephone system will still exist, but will be on its way out in favor of a higher-quality person-to-person communication system. Video phones are becoming the norm.
Computers will be very cheap (less than one day's wage for a low-income citizen), and almost every house in America will have some form of Internet access.
A consumer-grade computer will be able to transmit a 2-hour video clip over the Internet in less than two seconds.
Newspapers will still exist, but very few people still subscribe.
Books will still exist, and will still be popular.
We will still have cars, and we'll still be using gasoline (although all new models will be some form of hybrid), and the gasoline will be retardedly expensive.
Discount and department stores will be out of business; online marketplaces where the consumers set the prices will forever change our economy.
Wealthy civilians will be taking "tours" of outer space in privately-owned spacecraft.
We still will not have made contact with an alien race.
The Jews and the Palestinians will STILL be fighting.
A new structure will be under construction where the World Trade Center used to be.
Apple computer will be a dominant force in the computer industry. (I'm 50% sure on this one.)
Our generation will be named, and it will be a dumb name.
Global warming is going to be a bigger problem than ever.
Divorce rates will decline, but only because fewer people will be getting married.
Cancer will still have no cure.
I'll have a million dollars.

I'm going to print this list out and put it in an envelope that says "Do not open until 2015," and then hide it under my bed. See ya in 10 years.

High-Impact Device Instructions.

2005-07-17T08:04:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I am not advocating the use of the device that is made from these instructions. I assume no responsibility for the actions of anyone who uses this device. This text is for educational purposes only.

I have come up with a device that creates a huge explosion, and the ingredients are all common household items. Yes, this is a "kitchen chemist" explosive, but don't be fooled. The blast radius from this device can be devastating. You should have an open flame available, as well as a kitchen sink. Gloves are optional but recommended for handling the binding agent.

To make this device, you need three items: The payload, a binding agent, and the casing (for safety reasons, the actual ingredients will not be listed online. I will only provide them via special request through email.).

Split the casing sheet into two equal parts (It doesn't have to be exact, but it does have to be close. If you are more than one centimeter off, you may have trouble with later steps).

CAREFULLY place three to six payload units onto one of the half-binding sheets. Be sure to center it as much as possible. (Note: Some people are under the false assumption that using double the payload agent will result in an explosion of greater magnitude. While it does make the blast more concentrated, the radius does not change. Take note that the binding agent must remain between a 1:1 and 1:2 ratio with the payload. If the payload goes any higher than 2, the remainder does not mix with the binding agent, and is effectively wasted.)

Suspend the binding agent over an open flame for 45 seconds. (As it heats up, it will begin to expand. This is normal.)

Gently place the heated binding agent on top of the payload.

Place the second casing sheet on top of the binding agent and press down firmly (but SLOWLY!). The binding agent will adhere to the payload and the casing, and the device is complete. At this point, it is imperative to keep the device clean and DRY. Water alone does not trigger an explosion, but wetting the device WILL ruin it.

The explosion is triggered by contact with a mixture of water and enzymes. As it turns out, human saliva is an adequate payload trigger. Although unconfirmed, various people have told me that certain extremists have detonated this device in public places by placing it in their mouths. (!) Oddly enough, the mouth-explosion method has consistently proven to be the most effective, although I cannot officially condone this method for obvious reasons.

For further information, contact me at my email address.

Supplements:
The finished Device.
The Device Explosion.
The damaging long-term effects.

Good luck.

~Jakery

People I don't like

2005-07-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

A brief list of people who are a waste of oxygen:

Anyone who thinks that "Troy" was a good movie. (Obviously, your IQ is lower than the national median.)
Anyone whose parents pay for his/her car, computer, AND college education. (The rest of us had to earn what you got for free. I hope you die.)
Girls who dress like sluts and drink heavily at parties. (You're going to get raped, you dumbasses.)
Parents that still control their childrens' lives after age 18. (What the hell is wrong with you? You don't have to do what your parents did to you.)
Anybody who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're." (You look like a moron when you use them wrong.)
Unemployed people on Welfare and Section 8 who have Cable TV. (If you were to disappear tomorrow, nobody would miss you.)
Anybody who watches the E! Channel. (You're a loser, and you don't have a life of your own.)
Anybody who watches MTV. (Let me guess: You don't do much thinking.)
Members of NAMBLA. (You don't need to be with a little boy. You need to be in a psychiatric hospital.)
Pop stars/boy bands. (Okay, you can sing, but you have no creative talent. You're only famous because of teenagers who don't know any better.)
Wall Street stock brokers. (You make your living by manipulating the economy. I hope you get stranded in the wilderness so you can find out if you're worth it.)
Thug rappers. (Way to perpetuate your racial stereotype, dumbasses).
Talentless celebrities. (You're a running punchline. When you get replaced, nobody will want anything to do with you.)

People I feel sorry for:

Politicians. (You thought you could do some good, but your campaign benefactors and political party continually reminds you that you are nothing more than a puppet.)
People who sincerely believe that Communism can work. (Yeah, it's a really nice idea, but it assumes that nobody will ever take advantage of the system. Somebody ALWAYS breaks the rules, and Communism fails.)
Evangelistic Christians. (You're brainwashed hypocrites. You are the fucking antichrist.)

People I respect:

Mechanical engineers. (Any asshole can program "If/Then" statements into a computer. Engineers have to create complex devices for this. Whoever invented the automatic transmission was a goddamn genius.)

I hate you.
~Jake

Calling all Idiots

2005-07-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

Remember my "Untitled" story? I want to do a second installment. Google my ass a random picture that I can turn into a story. (Leave a comment with a link to the image in question).

You Had To Be There (First Installment)

2005-07-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the couch, watching TV in the LivDining room. Six feet away, my sister sat at the table with a can of chololates and a glass of milk. I raised my arm and said, "Abby." She threw a chocolate at my arm with dead aim. I merely closed my hand, and I was the proud owner of a mini-Hershey bar. Five seconds later, the chockolate was in my mouf, and I had folded the wrapper into a cute little wrapper-ball. With equal or greater dead aim, I threw the wrapper ball back toward my sister. In one satisfaction-filled plop, the wrapper ball landed into the glass of milk. Abby was like "Aaa! Whatthefuck!" I raised both my arms and declared a million points in my favor. Abby said, "I hate you," but she didn't mean it, because she was laughing really hard, plus I made her admit that it was really awesome.

~Jake

The Coolest News Ever

2005-06-24T13:46:00.000-05:00

Meth is used to make Ecstacy, which comes in a variety of pretty shapes, sizes, colors, and textures.

In case you're just joining us, I work at Better World Books, a company that runs book drives to raise money for literacy programs. Better World Books rents warehouse space at the Sample Street Business Complex, a big-assed "business incubator" (their words) in South Bend.

Two doors away from the No ISBN room (where I do my No-ISBN'ing), there is a black door with no window. I thought it was vacant warehouse space. This turned out to be an incorrect assumption on my part. To correct this, replace "vacant" with "occupied," and "warehouse space" with "stupid people," and throw something about a meth lab in the middle.

I know what you're thinking:
"...what? Meth lab? Where the hell did that come from?"
Believe me, I know the feeling.

Today at work, Terry (one of the supervisors) comes in to tell us the news: We've been working next door to a meth lab. I stop downloading porn and turn around. Did I just hear that right? Are you reading it right? Yes. Yes. Not 100 feet away from my daily grind, three men had ben manufacturing illegal, explosive, and highly lucrative chemicals.

When I found out about the lab, I said "That's AWESOME!" People said that I was weird, but we all know that "awesome" doesn't necessarily mean "good." When I use the word "awesome," I mean "very interesting and unique; a story that almost anyone would pay attention to."

I have mixed feelings about this. First of all, now we know what those strange smells were. Secondly, I think it's really cool. On the other hand, I should have known. Ominous black door = rather muscular, secretive men who spend their day manufacturing ecstasy tabs. Fuck. If someone had lit a cigarette near that lab, they would have to change his cause of death from "cancer" to "exploded." (I almost felt compelled to put a diagram in at this point, but it seems like an awful lot of work for an underachiever.)

Anyway, the cops came, but they were dressed in civilian garb, so nobody was the wiser. They disassembled the lab yesterday, and the article was in the paper this morning. Read it.

Other than that, my job is pretty uneventful.
Below is what I would have written today if not for the meth lab:

I didn't eat lunch today, so don't ask. Today I only sorted 125 books. My average is 275, but I went home early because the blood-sucking management won't let us simpletons work overtime anymore. Apparently, they want to go home too. Those fuckers.

~Jake

Today on Life

2005-06-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

Hah, I just realized that the awkward smell in the living room is coming from me. I now work ten-hour shifts at Better World Books, and this morning, I totally wake up just in time to get to work, and that means that I don't get a shower. Feck. That warehouse is really hot and humid all day, so everyone is sweating asses within ten seconds.

I always have feelings of empathy and mirth every time I see a new worker come to his first day in jeans and a niceish long sleeve shirt, only to be kinda dead three hours later. Proper work attire: baggy shorts, and ONE layer of torso cloth. (one and a half for the ladies). Anyway, when you work at this place, you tend to get in the habit of showering after work, as opposed to before work, because that's a waste of a shower. That's like painting your house right before you set it on fire to collect the insurance money and skip town.

I have decided that now is the time to buy my own Domain Name. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now the proud owner of punchmyface.com.

Kind of.

Right now, the web site is completely empty. If you click that link, you'll get nothing. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with it, but I registered it before some rat-fucker snatched it up, and that's what matters.

Being a Jew does have its perks. Satanists depend on the mockery of other religons, and they do so by flipping religous symbols upside down. Have you ever tried to invert a jew-star? It's impossible.

Selling my Junk

2005-05-30T16:18:00.000-05:00

It finally occurred to me that I should be getting rid of my old crap. Buy a video game. All proceeds go toward your mom.

Baseball

2005-05-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

Me and Abby are watching baseball on TV... Cubs vs. Rockies. Abby doesn't know a lot about baseball, so I'm answering questions as she asks them.

A wild pitch almost hits the dude.

ME: "Do you know what happens when a batter gets hit?"

ABBY: "He gets... a trophy?"

[really long pause]

ME: "If a batter gets hit, first thing is that the crowd always BOOs. This is mandatory. After that, the guy throws his bat down and gives a really mean look to the pitcher, and then he gets to walk to first base."

ABBY: "Dude! That's so much better than a trophy!"

ME: "Which part?"

ABBY: "The whole thing!"

Later in the game, the Cubbies hit a fly ball and it bounces off a wall in right field.

ABBY: "If a ball hits the wall, is that...good?"

I really don't know how to answer that. In Baseball, anything that happens is good for one team and bad for the other.

ME: "Well, which team are you rooting for?"

ABBY: "I'm rooting for the Cubs, because I like the blue shirts."

And I suppose that's as good a reason as any. One year at Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin (let's call him Mochael) was rooting for the "Ole Miss" college football team, which was playing MSU in some big annual Thanksgiving Day game on ESPN. Upon thorough questioning from my elder sibling and elder cousin (let's call him Chros), it appeared that Mochael was rooting for Ole Miss because somebody gave him a hat that had "Ole Miss" on it. A few minutes later, Chros went to the kitchen and returned with a Post-It note with the letters "MSU" on it. Chros insisted that he could be a fan of MSU because he had a piece of paper that had "MSU" written on it. And wouldn't you know it? MSU won the game. Mochael got very pissed, and screamed at Chros, "You're like the golden child who always gets whatever he wants!" Stupidity mandates that we recite this mantra at every family gathering until the end of our time.

Abby's remarks about baseball

ABBY: "Wait... that's the same pitcher as before!"

ME: "Yeah, what's the matter?"

ABBY: "Don't they bring out a new pitcher for every batter?"

ME: "No."

ABBY: "Why the hell not?"

ME: "They just don't do it that way."

ABBY: "Well, I wish they would. This guy really sucks."
ABBY: "In the major leagues, do they really hit foul balls that often?"

ME: "Oh, yeah. All the time."

ABBY: "I mean, you would think that they had more training than that."
ABBY: "What constitutes an inning... like, how much time or whatever until each one is over?"

ME: "Well, do you really mean 'time?' Because there's no real set time for an inning."

ABBY: "Yeah, I know that, but I mean, like, how many points until an inning is over."

ME: "Ahmmm... no points, but an inning ends after three outs."

ABBY: "Okay..! So, I've wondered, like, what constitutes an 'out?' Like, I know that you get out if you have three strikes, and I know that if you get tagged, you're out, but what else?"

ME: "Aaah... that's basically it. I remember one time in the back yard I was trying to teach you baseball, and I said that you had to tag me out, so you threw the baseball and it hit me in the head."

ABBY: "I did that? That's awesome."
ME: "A foul ball counts as a strike, but you can't strike out from a foul ball."

ABBY: "So, if you don't get out from a foul, a guy could keep hitting foul balls, like, FOREVER?"
ABBY: "First base is the easiest, because if they get by you, it's okay because they still have two more bases to go. Third base is also easy, because people don't usually get that far. It's second base that sucks, because everyone is just like "rrrra'AAGH!"

Abby and I stay until the end of the game. The Cubs beat the Rockies, 11 to 6. We don't care.

~Jake

JAKE: "I have never completely lost my voice. I've been all like 'huaraAAagAG!,' but my voice has never gone completely dead."

MOLLY: "Yeah, 'cause the rest of your immune system is so weak..."

JAKE: "Exactly. I get one part of my body with good defenses as compensation. My vocal cords are like Custer's last stand, except they win."

Ugly Mess

2005-05-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, March 29th, 2005, at 2:01 PM and 30 seconds, I began an exercise in what can only be described as the most futile display of minority thinking in the entire history of my existance. I went on the Internet Movie Database's "Shrek 2" message board, and stated that I found the animal-harming humor to be cruel, sadistic, and not funny. Not surprisingly, my statements were met by a very large backlash of bad spelling and poor grammar. I pursued it for a while, trying to gain some mutual understandings while criticizing the god-awful misuses of the word "your."

How did it end? Stupidly. After a month and some change, the user "WhiteBjorn" asked me, "You're not for real are you? This is satire, right?" I finally stepped back and realized what was going on, so I gave my reply:

Well, "Flame-war" is the online term, but I like "satire" better. Believe it or not, I started this thread with what was a legitimate concern of mine. Now, with all of the morons coming out of the woodwork, this thread has become a huge joke.

I doubt I'll try to keep this up much longer. One semi-educated person with an unpopular idea will never win against a huge, disorganized mob full of narrow-minded individuals. Think of a zombie movie with a guy in a house with a shotgun, and an endless wave of zombies coming at the house from all directions. I'm the guy in the house.

So to answer your question, am I for real, the answer is, simply, "not for much longer."

Sure enough, I called it quits after a few more posts. And I'll be damned if this whole thing wasn't "Me With A Shotgun VS. Endless Wave of Zombies." The comparison is so perfect that I am dangerously close to ruining my shorts.

My whole point is I think that the energy wasted on this fruitless endeavor was taken away from what could have been some really awesome Journal/Blog entries, and that really sucks. To compensate, I'm providing a link to the mess at the end of this entry, although it really isn't worth reading, except for maybe the few posts where I totally own on the guys who are probably failing English class, particularly "FuriousG33." I could make a living out of making fun of people's bad grammar, but I'm happy doing it for free.

I love you guys. You make me salivate. I promise that I'll write something awesome soon.

~Jake

The Mess: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0298148/board/nest/17238754?d=17238754

Stupidest Test Ever

2005-05-25T16:30:00.000-05:00

Your Birthdate: September 22

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings.You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion. Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings.

Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma. An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail. You are very aware and intuitive. You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

STUPID. About 50% of that description is accurate. If I was a 15-year-old girl, I would automatically convince myself that this is 100% accurate, which is why I thank my personal god every day that I was never 15 years old.

I give up

2005-05-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said that this was my new blog, but it was only temporary? Well, I kind of got sucked in, so when I say "temporary," I think I really meant "permanent." I love you, blogger.

~Jake

Fig. 1 An asian kid with a chubby face.

A New Perspective

2005-05-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

If you haven't noticed the change on this page, you're probably blind in one eye and have five sons named Ted. I changed my page template, ultimately because I'm focking tired of the "everything is black" motif that I've been masquerading for the past five years. I'm Jake, for crying out loud. I can do better than that.

The templte that I had been using was called "Minima Black." This new one is called "Thisaway (Blue)." Honestly, my blog templaate name of choice would probably be something more like "Butt Surgery (Mauve)," because I think that a template with that name would be remembered forever. I'd like to meet the doctor that goes to medical school for 30 years and then decides that he will become a butt surgeon. What makes him tick? 60 Minutes will be sucking at my kneecaps for an exclusive interview with this guy. I'm going to take over the stupid planet. Not even Richard Dean Anderson from MacGyver can stop me.

Richard Dean Anderson has finally lost his fucking mind.

~Jake

This Damn Thing Doesn't Work.

2005-05-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

I took one of those little fun quiz thingies; this one stolen from Nate-O's journal. I have to admit that some of these are cool names, like "Cat Adams," but this damn quiz didn't count on the fact that I'm an outside-the-box'er.

Jacob Carl King's Aliases

Your movie star name: Nutty Bars Ray

Your fashion designer name is Jacob Prague

Your socialite name is Jakey Not Here

Your fly girl / guy name is J Kin

Your detective name is Cat Adams

Your barfly name is French Fries Rum And Coke

Your soap opera name is Carl Hill

Your rock star name is Peanut M&Ms Slut

Your star wars name is Jacliz Kinmol

Your punk rock band name is The Relieved Booger

The Amazing Meganame Generator

On a side note, yes, I misspelled my middle name, because everyone knows that I focking hate my middle name's spelling, so I can do what I want. :-D

I also just had my random thought for the day: Back when I was a young'un at summer camp, all of the cabins had fun, juvenile graffiti in them: things like 'Davey is a shit head,' "Alice Davenport is a ugly bitch," and a slew of other colorful messages about the anti-merits of various campers. By far, the coolest message was by my bed: "Asshole slept here." To this day, I still wonder who 'asshole' was. Even as a kid, I was a very literal thinker, so I had hours of fun imagining that my sleeping space was once occupied by a four-foot tall, walking, talking sphincter.

The adult in me now realizes that 'asshole' was a human being. I wonder what he did that made a fellow camper hate him so much. Was he really that bad of a person? Is it possible that he was actually a 'she?' Not important. The weird part is that I could already have met him, and neither of us will ever know that once, at Camp Tanadoonah, we shared a mattress. Honestly, guys, I would much rather meet a sphincter-shaped human, because then I could say, "Hey, Asshole!" and nobody would think less of me for it.

~Jake

Unbridled Satisfaction

2005-05-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more rewarding
than once again seeing the girl
whom you used to crush on
in the sixth grade
but she shunned you

and seeing her again
after all those years
and finding out
that she grew up to be
butt-ugly.

(True story! Happened to me! YESSS!!!)
~Jake

Guilt of the Catholic Persuasion

2005-05-15T10:32:00.000-05:00

So I wake up this morning. Sunday. Every Sunday for the past five years my Catholic Guilt wakes up with me and whispers in my ear.

GUILT: "Go to church or I'll kick you in the nuts."
ME: "That doesn't sound very Christian."

Catholic guilt is retarded. He's really fat, smells like cheap cigars, and has the voice of a choo-choo train. "I've got twelve heathens on this block, asshole," he says. I don't think it's really the voice of God. Maybe I bet on the Yankees without realizing it, and this guy is the loan shark. But why does he think that sending me to church will get him money? He's eying my 27-inch TV with a hungry look on his face. Is he going to eat my television? I can't take it anymore. I run up to Catholic Guilt and kick him in the nuts. He staggers backward, falls over, gets a heart attack (because he's fat), and dies. At this point, I don't feel obligated to go to church anymore. Or maybe I just don't like Sunday because it reminds me of having to go back to school the next day, because Catholic grade school is the worst thing ever invented.

~Jake

Test of the day:

You are

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What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Go Army!

2005-05-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

I don't know why the Army keeps wasting paper and postage fees on me. This week, if I ask for more information, I can get a free "Go Army" Cooler.

Holy shit! A fucking six-pack cooler with a star on it! I'll do ANYTHING! I'll shave my head! I'll crawl under barbed wire while five men pee on me! I'll even go to Iraq and get shelled by some guy named Al ! ANYTHING FOR THAT FUCKING COOLER!

For fuck sake. I would NEVER join the army. Did you know that they encourage outdoor activity? Fuck that.

~Jake

Molly's A Bitch

2005-05-13T14:11:00.000-05:00

Molly's a bitch, or so you say,
but last time I check'd, you were partially gay.
It takes one to know one, last time I heard,
And your spirit hands are as graceful as a bird.

So hey, all you bitchiz, with yo see-thru shirts,
mollay'z got'ch'yall beat, all up in yo skirts.
Molly, say what, what Mally, say what,
That girl is fine, and so is her butt.

Excuse me. Gomen nasai. What have I done?
I've all but rapped about drugs and my gun.
My ghetto roots have come and invaded my world
and have caused me much strife, and objectified my girl.

You probably have guessed, I don't write many poems.
My meter is inconsistent, and my rhymes are dumb
But Molly prompted me, and I am up for the challenge.
I can't write a good sonnet, but I still do the damage.

So here I am now, writing about a girl.
She doesn't look displeasing, and doesn't make me hurl.
In fact, come to think of it, her countenance is nice.
And her smile is deep, and makes a puddle out of ice.

But science geeks come, and claim it not true.
"Only heat can melt ice; not the look of a shrew."

To which I reply, "Back you fiends! Go now and say no more!
Molly is fair and good, and shall not be called a whore!"
The geeks attempt to explain that a shrew and a whore are not the same
but I grow weary of their Nerd-B.O., and Symantecs isn't my game.

So back to molly, here and now, and I still don't know what to say.
The girl is nice, I enjoy her company, and I don't have to call her gay.
But there I go, repeating myself. Where to go from here?
By default, my choice is homophobia, you stupid queer.

But I digress -- my ADD. I try to keep it in check.
But I try in vain. To no avail, my thought process is a wreck.
But never-the-less, I'm on a mission, and on this mission I aim to please.
Molly is awesome, and the best girl ever, and I will guard her from a stray sneeze.

"Quit while you're ahead," my brain tells me. "But I'm not ahead," I reply.
"In that case, quit while you're alive," and this advice I cannot deny.
So, Molly, dear Molly, your poem is done. I wrote it and now I'm through.
I wrote it with heart, muscle, and wit, and I just ate my sister's left shoe.

~Jake

Looking for Work 2

2005-05-13T13:31:00.000-05:00

RoBrooksby (1:17:33 PM): so how is that whole job thing going for you jake
cyber pants 9000 (1:17:39 PM): hah
RoBrooksby (1:17:55 PM): hah what
cyber pants 9000 (1:18:06 PM): ask me again when I'm on my knees in front of a big queer on South Michigan St.
RoBrooksby (1:18:42 PM): and why would you be on your knees
cyber pants 9000 (1:18:50 PM): to get money.
cyber pants 9000 (1:19:08 PM): the old-fashioned way... it worked in the city of Sodom.
RoBrooksby (1:19:08 PM): what kind of job are you doing
cyber pants 9000 (1:19:16 PM): a blowjob
RoBrooksby (1:19:20 PM): ic
RoBrooksby (1:19:25 PM): i get it now

The War of Images

2005-05-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

I got really excited, so I drew a really quick image in photoshop and IM'ed it to my sister.

She found this amusing, so I sent a couple more mementos.

If I had only known that this would have caused a digital war, I would have done this MUCH SOONER.

Abby
marches her troops into battle

Jake
opens with a Redford

Abby
counters with breakfast

Jake
falls back and regroups

Abby
launches a surprise attack

Jake
unleashes his secret weapon

Abby
goes on the defensive

Jake
fails to invade enemy territory

...and ignores the rules of engagement

Abby
gets a surplus of troops in response to Jake's atrocities

...and delivers a one-two punch

...and invades the capital of Jakery.

Jake
has loyal troops who refuse to admit defeat

So who will win? I DON'T KNOW!

~Jake

Looking for Work

2005-05-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

RoBrooksby (12:07:41 PM): you still there jake
cyber pants 9000 (12:07:56 PM): yeah
cyber pants 9000 (12:08:01 PM): I'm in deep thought
cyber pants 9000 (12:08:03 PM): but I can still talk
RoBrooksby (12:08:17 PM): what are you thinking about
cyber pants 9000 (12:08:46 PM): quite a few things
cyber pants 9000 (12:08:57 PM): 1) I'm real hungry, so I had better get some food soon.
RoBrooksby (12:09:08 PM): ok then
cyber pants 9000 (12:09:10 PM): 2) I wonder if I'll get the job at that video rental place
RoBrooksby (12:09:26 PM): i could see you at the video store
cyber pants 9000 (12:09:29 PM): 3) This "History Channel" show about gold mining is kinda cool
cyber pants 9000 (12:09:36 PM): yeah, I'm hoping I'll get it
RoBrooksby (12:09:55 PM): you have alot of free time on your hands don't you
cyber pants 9000 (12:10:04 PM): lol
cyber pants 9000 (12:10:05 PM): yeah
cyber pants 9000 (12:10:10 PM): that's why I need the job
RoBrooksby (12:10:32 PM): i feel you need a job too

The results are in.

2005-05-09T14:27:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely an American. Also, I got the highest percentiles on the "Midwest" and "Yankee" dialects, which is pretty accurate, because I'm from Indiana. Nice job, Anonymous Linguistics Geek!

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

~Jake

My Geek Scores are In

2005-05-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

Jake's Geek Profile:

Fashion Geekiness: Highest

Geekiness in Love: High

Gamer Geekiness: Moderate

Music Geekiness: Moderate

SciFi Geekiness: Moderate

Academic Geekiness: Low

Internet Geekiness: Low

Movie Geekiness: Low

General Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

Yay, I'm a balanced geek.

~Jakerypoo

Fixing the Poster

2005-05-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I was recently staring at the DVD case for my copy of "The Score," and I noticed that something was wrong: DeNiro and Norton didn't look like they were about to 'score' on the movie box. To combat this, I photoshopped a more suitable title into the poster.

It's AWESOME.

~Jake

Bene-dick XVI

2005-05-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

So, the Catholic church says that we shouldn't have sex before marriage.

But wait a minute. Who sets moral guidelines in the Catholic church? A bunch of sexually frustrated old men. Think about it.

~Jake

You haveth been served.

2005-05-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 100% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

This test tracked 4 variables How the score compared to the other people's:

Higher than 68% on Beginner

Higher than 66% on Intermediate

Higher than 53% on Advanced

Higher than 98% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

It's Just That Simple

2005-04-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

Molly's dream (excerpt):

Pablo's severed head was bouncing ahead of the mass of women rushing to cross the street.
"You should have helped me with that pole, missy!" he says to me, knowing just how to trip my guilt.

Someone a few feet behind me shouts in exasperation,
"That head is holding us up! Lose it!"

I look down and see that Pablo knows what is coming. I hesitate. Doing what he wants may prove to be a fatal, irreversible error. But I shouldn't take too much stock of a severed head eagerly anticipating a situational change for the worse...it has probably come to terms with things, so why not take a hit for the team?

After the animatronic-Eskimos-in-the-Kroger-freezer-section scare, this was the last straw. I kick Pablo into the intersection, not looking to see if the landing is a smooth one. We speed up, and I have to console myself with that.

In other news, I was watching "The Wizard" with some peeps in Nate-O's room. There are many continuity errors in that movie, and they go a long way to screw with your mind. (A continuity error is a common problem among TV and Movies, where objects or characters make illogical or impossible changes between different shots in a movie, usually due to sloppy editing or carelessness during production.) I suggested that they had better fire the movie's editor. Skippy noted that my recent short film, "Deficit," only had one notable continuity error. I replied that there are many more if you look for them.

As I was trying to think of them, a commercial came on TV, and Skippy said, "William Shatner!"

To this, I bitterly replied, "William Shatner is NOT a continuity error," which brings up an interesting revelation: To say, "your whole life is a continuity error" is one of the most potent insults that I can think of.

Later that day, I decided that Skippy has anger management issues. He was getting picked on by everyone all day, but mostly by other people. I finally took a turn, commenting that "Nick" (his christian name) was a part of the female anatomy. He responded by smashing a hotdog into the side of my face, so I've decided that he's a douchebag.

~Jake

GAY

2005-04-29T12:21:00.000-05:00

Joey suggested that we need to change the word "gay" to solely mean "stupid and dumb and retarded," rather than "homosexual." I agree. See, the word "retarded" used to describe a person whose brain did not function within normal parameters. After "retarded" became a fun insult word, the term "mentally challenged" came into the norm, followed closely by a tree of specific terms to accurately describe most people's conditions, and now "retarded" just means "dumb."

I think it's time for "gay" to be promoted to this immortal status.

~Jake

The Upside of a Manger

2005-04-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ. That appears to be my new name. Nate-O, in his finite-but-expansive wisdom, donnied me with this moniker approximately thirty-seven hours ago. This, of course, is intended as playful irony, because the only trait that I have in common with Jesus Christ is the fact that we both wear sandals.

Ways that I am not like Jesus Christ:

Jesus was quite possibly a very accomplished DJ, and I was only briefly a DJ.

Jesus' mother was an Israeli. My mother is a muffin.

There is a possibility that Jesus was black. In order of potency, I am Polish, Irish, German, Yugoslavian, Polish again, Scottish, and Hungarian. None of those are black.

Jesus was able to supply alcohol at parties. Due to strict age restrictions in my country, I cannot do this until September 22nd of this year.

Jesus came back from the dead. I never died in the first place.

Jesus didn't shave. I do.

Jesus was born in a barn. I was born in a hospital in northern Indiana.

When Jesus told stories to his friends and onlookers, there was always a moral to his stories. My stories don't even have a plot.

Jesus was Jewish. I only have Jewish friends.

Jesus was portrayed by Willem Dafoe in Martin Scorsese's controversial movie, "The Last Temptation of Christ." I was portrayed by myself in three short student films, unofficially dubbed as "The Clevenger Trilogy."

Jesus probably never got to enjoy Milk and Cookies. I get to enjoy them regularly.

So there you have it. I'm nothing like Jesus, except for the sandals.

Diabetic Supernova

2005-04-28T14:07:00.000-05:00

Robby, our resident Nelly fanatic, let me borrow his CDs. I complained to him that Nelly really needs to change his singing style.

Molly said, "yeah, he should sing opera."

I got really excited and said, "If Nelly sang opera, I would shit about FIVE THOUSAND lasers."

Molly told me that she ate a Mediterranean Turkey Salad. I asked her how many turkeys could be found in the Mediterranean.

Molly also had a dream that her and a bunch of people were in a race across the street, but the severed head of a man named Pablo was slowing them down, so they had to kick it.

~Jake

Ball State University Student Uniforms

2005-04-24T21:28:00.000-05:00

Almost every damn person in this computer lab, myself included, is wearing a hoodie. Maybe it's a new dress code that I didn't hear about, and I'm very lucky to have involuntarily complied.

Or maybe hoodies are just really cool. Out of the nine people that I see in here, only two are without hoodies: one is the lab assistant, and the other is a girl whom I know personally, and she isn't very bright.

There you have it. Wear a hoodie. And a bib.

~Jake

Jesus was a Jew

2005-04-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

So HA. All you anti-semites chew on that one for a while.

~Jake

Blood

2005-04-19T11:44:00.000-05:00

On March 24, 2005, I donated blood for the third time. I really don't know what the big deal is. Some people don't like needles and can't stand the sight of blood, but it's just a liquid. Therefore, I'm the perfect candidate....

....except for this past time, because my Rapid Mono Test came back positive a few days later. (So, English majors, is it a rapid test for Mono, or is it a test that detects Rapid Mono? I don't know.) On that same day, I called the blood bank to tell them that they had better destroy my blood. The lady's response was "Okay, if we haven't already used it, I'll make sure it's discarded. Thank you so much for calling."

Now, I don't know what's scarier: That my infected blood may have been used on a patient, or that donated blood is so scarce that mine was used so quickly. I guess I'll have to donate again when my Rapid Mono clears up.

~Jakeypoo

Political Flatulence

2005-04-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

I have so many cool ideas for social reform.

If somebody commits a felony, part of their probation should be to wear a sign that says what crime he/she committed. The sign will be worn whenever the person leaves the house. I think this would take crime way down -- people will think twice about doing something stupid if they know that they'll be forced to display their actions to the general public. If I had to make a trip to the grocery store with a sign that said "I stole $28 and a pair of panties from Yolanda Jones' house," I would totally never do that again.

Here in Indiana, we don't get Daylight Savings Time. Consequently, Indiana jumps time zones every six months. Sometimes we're on the same time as Michigan, and sometimes they're an hour ahead. That's just not right.

The bill can never get passed because some jackass always wants the state to be on Central time. I have news for you, buddy: All of the other states on our longitude are in Eastern time, so you've got to be retarded to ask us to zig-zag the line, you poo butt-ass.

~Jake

Deluges of Grandeur

2005-04-15T16:18:00.000-05:00

You often of someone who has delusions of grandeur. Have you ever heard of someone who had a legitimate claim to grandeur? Me neither. It kind of makes you wonder.

~Jakery

They're all laughing at me.

2005-04-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

This is supposed to be where I talk about how this is my new Blog, but that's gay.

~Jake